Moving to Russia was always meant to be a stepping-stone for Andrey and I. For me we hoped that the company in Omsk would provide the opportunity I had been waiting for to grow as a dancer and an artist. For Andrey it was a time to recalibrate and determine his next course of action. As with all plans this one did not go quite as we had hoped. The company turned out to be very different than I expected and for Andrey opportunities were scarce. I will admit that after the first couple months it began to feel like we had made a mistake.

I had high hopes for dancing in Omsk, what ballet dancer hasn’t looked up to the Russian stars of the past or watched those who pepper the roster of every major company today in awe? I was excited to dance in such a large company with many productions. And I hoped to learn the graceful port de bras the Russian ballerinas are famous for. What I got was a bit different. I have mentioned before that class was viewed only as a warm up, which made working on one’s own technique difficult, but what really disappointed me was the rehearsal process.

Unlike in American dance companies, in Omsk they do not prepare a ballet for a few weeks and then perform it for several shows before putting the piece aside and beginning something new. Instead they perform a piece for one show and then again next month or in two months. Which means they are constantly changing what they are focused on and on top of the 4-5 ballets that happen each month there are also children’s shows, musicals, and operas. So, a corps dancer could rehearse 5-8 pieces in one week. Because of this packed schedule the only time a ballet is rehearsed fully is before the first time it is performed in the season. The rest of the season if you are lucky it is 3 days before the show, but sometimes only the day before.

As you might imagine, this schedule makes for some extremely overworked dancers. Unfortunately, this made for a relatively demoralizing atmosphere in which most of the dancers do not really care about the technique or artistry of their work. This was probably the hardest part for me. It made me realize how important it is to me to work with dancers who respect the art form and want to excel at it, understand it, and push its limits.

Instead of spending my time learning the classics alongside dancers I admired I found myself often learning silly numbers for musicals or operas. And a lot of the time I was not used at all because there was no time for someone new to learn choreography the day before a show. In fact this general lack of time meant that the most important quality of a dancer was how long they had been with the company not how talented of a dancer they were.

The Omsk State Musical Theater Ballet Company is a unique place that is primarily focused on churning out tried and true Russian staples that you have never heard of and never will. It is not the grand Russian company I had imagined, but it was an interesting experience and I did learn from it.  All of this is not just to vent it is by way of explaining that we have left Russia and returned to the US. I am trying not to think of this as a defeat, but as another chapter in our story together. As for the future I will continue to share moments from our life with you, but now from the nation’s capital. 

When you tell someone you are a ballet dancer they light up. It sounds exciting and glamorous. They imagine a life of premieres and galas, living your art, spending time with others who also live in the magical world of the creative. They imagine a life that does not exist (or at least not often). The day-to-day life of a ballet dancer is actually quite routine much like the day-to-day life of a 9-5 office employee. You go into the studio to warm –up, take a class, rehearse, take a break, and rehearse some more. Then you head home for a bit before going back to warm-up, put on makeup, and perform. Or if there isn’t a show, like most people you cook dinner, catch up with your spouse, and try to relax and prepare for the next day.

Dancers go in day after day to repeat the same movements over and over. It can be grueling and numbing, but of course there are moments of brilliant success that brighten up the day; your variation goes smoothly, you hit every difficult turn in class, or a coveted role is assigned. Dance is rigorous, repetitive, and unforgiving, but the glamour often associated with it comes only on stage. And as with most things that happen on a stage that is where it stays. The life of a dancer is not glamorous, we are usually overworked and underpaid and worst despite being a group with a very high skill level in a very difficult field we are wildly underappreciated by our employers. No the glamour is something we put on to go on stage and just like the costumes, makeup and pointe shoes we take it off to go home when the show is over. Okay you say, so its not as it appears from the outside, but then why do you dance?

Why do I dance? It is the question that has haunted my life, asked of me countless times by those closest to me and regularly by complete strangers. When someone learns that you are a ballet dancer the most common reactions are either a mix of surprise and delight, like you are some rare creature that they doubted existed or incredulity and amazement of what I can never be quite sure. Either that you are willing to make all the sacrifices that the life of a dancer requires or that you are so much of a dreamer that you would make such an impractical life choice.  Either way the question comes, why do you dance?

I have answered this question many ways over the years. The easy answer and the one I usually give to strangers is that I love it; it is my passion. This is not a lie, but it is only a portion of the true answer. Over the past few months the more complex and complete answer to this question has been nagging at me along with the question is it enough? That is to say are my reasons for dancing still worth the sacrifices?

I have made many sacrifices in the pursuit of ballet and those closest to me have made their fair share as well. And now that I have chased this dream all the way to Siberia and still not quite found it, the time has come to get very honest with myself about why I dance.

When I first pose this question to myself I think it’s the passion: for pushing the body to its limits of flexibility, endurance, strength, and grace. But its also the beauty of the positions, their symmetry and length. It is the ability to put into movement what we hear in the music, what we feel, but cannot put into words. But then I waver and wonder while all those things are true maybe it has become about the routine, dancers are after all creatures of habit. And worst maybe it is just the fear of giving up on something I have spent almost my entire life pursuing. 

In the past I have found reassurance that I still belong in this world every morning at the barre. No matter how badly the previous day’s class or rehearsals went, or the doubts I have let play in my head the evening before, all it takes is the first combination, listening to the music, feeling my muscles snap to attention and I know this is still where I want to be. 

But since coming to Russia and joining the Omsk State Musical Theater I have lost this feeling. Most of me believe this is because of the way the company is run. They treat every class as a warm up to be done as quickly as possible. Of course barre is about warming up, but in my experience it allows dancers the time to center themselves, find what is going well that day and what will require an extra push. There is always enough time to work hard to focus on different aspects of the technique and artistry before ever stepping into center.

Not here, here it is solely about going through the motions as if we are just putting on the act of being a ballet company. It is frustrating and depressing and makes me miss the way I used to feel when I danced. So, then maybe the problem is not between ballet, and me but between this company and me. And I hope that once I return to the US and return to one of my old studios I will feel at home with ballet again.

Even with that comfort in the back of my mind I still feel compelled to continue analyzing my reasons for dancing. At this point in my life, no longer a teenager chasing a dream, but an adult in the midst of life I feel I owe it to myself and to my husband to make sure that I am still on the right path.

The reasons why I love ballet are clear to me, so then why question staying with it? Because I now know that there are other things I want out of life and ballet makes achieving them seem difficult and maybe even unlikely. For me ballet has meant a life of instability: constantly ready to move for a job offer, often between contracts, continuously low on money, and always searching for what’s next. This lifestyle makes many things people associate with a normal life difficult. Little things like deciding to decorate the apartment or buy a new piece of furniture and big important things like starting a family or saving for the future. The starving artist life might look romantic in the movies, but in real life it sucks.

I love ballet, but it has required putting the rest of my life on hold. I was okay with that for a long time, in fact I even thought it was part of the deal, part of the sacrifices necessary to gain entry into the selective ranks of those who have succeeded at the dream. But it is no longer just my life that I am putting on hold, I have been married for almost two years and Andrey has patiently waited while we put my career before everything else. And now I feel the world tugging on me towards the desire to live life with my husband and maybe chasing the dream is not enough to keep shutting the door to everything else.

To keep pushing forward hoping to be one of the lucky ones or to set the dream on a shelf and get on with life, it is an enormous question to face and at the moment all I can do is keep looking for the answer. 

My first week at the theater is complete and it was less overwhelming that I expected. There were of course, the general, new girl, worries like where do I fall in the hierarchy of the company, what are the teaching styles of the ballet masters, where to stand at the barre, but heightened by trying to figure it out in a language I am just learning to speak.

Physically it has not been too demanding. Since I had to spend over a month without any ballet classes, while waiting for my paperwork to be finished (plenty of red-tape over here in Russia too) my Director has been kind enough to not throw me straight into rehearsals. So, I have just been going in for company class and then heading home, pretty easy work schedule right?

Company class here is really about warming up for the day and the dancers are given the flexibility to take the amount they feel benefits them. We begin with a warm-up combination facing the barre, the usual rolling through the feet, some tendus, calf stretch, etc. Then plies one side only with both fourths and fifths, followed by one tendu, one degage, one rond de jambe, one fondu, one frappe, one adagio, and one grand battement, and barre is finished. Center is not quite as fast, but still the class is done in 45-50 minutes.

How quick and condensed the class is, is not the only difference. The way they put together combinations is a bit different than what I am used to, so my brain is constantly translating the language and trying to deconstruct the combinations, so that they make sense to my body. I have noticed that I suddenly have a hard time remembering combination that are not that complicated because it is not the order I want the steps to be in. Because of this, I think it is probably very good for my development as a dancer. Just taking class is forcing me out of my comfort zone and making me examine the way I think about the movement.

Of course coming from America and not being Russian trained, there are some stylistic differences. One of my ballet masters has been quick to start addressing them, so we add to the mix changing the hand to be more held, the arabesque arm to be lower, the hands more lifted in fifth en haut, and the feet closer in second position.  So, far it has mostly been my arms and hands that have been different than what my ballet masters want. It is a challenge to try and alter my muscle memory, but I am excited to learn to move my arms like the Russian dancers do, with such grace and elegance.